Cruising for Curmudgeons: How to Make the Most of Your Maritime Adventure
For many people, a cruise is the ultimate dream vacation. Couples treat themselves to an exotic, romantic getaway, families bond over the activities, excursions and all-you-can-eat buffets, and party-seekers can spend an entire week getting ship-faced together.
But if you’re a seasoned skeptic who’s been shanghaied into this trip, setting sail might feel more like a punishment than a paradise. Trapped on a drifting hotel with thousands of tacky tourists, an aggressively cheerful crew, and the threat of forced participation in a conga line? Add in overpriced drinks, glacially slow WiFi, and those bizarre towel animals in your cabin, and you may consider jumping overboard, trading a flavorless wasteland for a salty graveyard.
But fear not, reluctant mariner! With the right approach, even the most cynical among us can find joy and relaxation on the high seas. Here’s a guide to navigating a cruise with a discerning eye to make the most of your time aboard:
1. Opt for a Cabin with a View
Yes, an interior cabin is cheaper. It’s also a glorified closet with no windows, no fresh air, and no way to tell if it’s 3 AM or 3 PM. And don’t buy into the idea that you won’t be spending much time there. You’re gonna need more than a place to crash, especially after a day meandering among the cabana crowd. So don’t let your only chance at solitude mean confining yourself to a claustrophobic holding cell.
A cabin with a view, preferably with a balcony, offers natural light, fresh air, and most importantly, scenic views. Sure, you can behold a beautiful sunset nearly anywhere on board, but sometimes you want that panorama all to yourself. On the Lido Deck, you have to share the moment with the portside paparazzi crowding the railing and doing Titanic’s “I’m the king of the world” schtick.
So get that exterior cabin. You’ll pay more, but you’ll also be less likely to lose your mind.
2. Splurge on Specialty Dining
While the buffet and main dining rooms offer a plethora of free food options, the novelty can wear off quickly. Dishes aimed to please the average Open-Sea Overeater aren’t exactly haute cuisine. And though the portions are endless, the abundance of blandness won’t be very satisfying. Here’s why you should consider paying extra for specialty dining:
Actual Flavor: Because by day three, you won’t be able to tell the difference between the chicken, the fish, and the vaguely meat-shaped buffet item.
Fewer People: No fighting for a table. No watching someone pile their plate with an unsettling amount of shrimp cocktail. Plus you might actually get to have a conversation with your party without having to make small-talk with your assigned table-mates.
Decent Service: When servers aren’t trying to juggle 500 other passengers demanding extra ranch dressing, they’re more likely to make your dining experience more personal and enjoyable.
Indulging in a few fancy dinners can provide memorable moments during your cruise, and at the very least, satisfy your palate and patience.
3. Manage Your Expectations at the Pool
You envision yourself lounging poolside, sipping a cocktail, and listening to the gentle sounds of the ocean. Yeah, right. In reality, the pool is a lawless zone of splash-happy kids, drunk adults, and a DJ who thinks every moment needs a high-energy soundtrack.
There’s the “adults-only” pool, but apparently those restrictions don’t apply in international waters, at least not to some cruising parents who treat the ship like a floating daycare facility, letting their pint-sized pirates run wild. And if your oasis isn’t disrupted by kiddies cannonballing into the jacuzzi, it’s unlikely that the group of rowdy dudes or gal pals at the swim-up bar are going to use their indoor voices.
So be prepared. Maybe plan your pool visits during off-peak hours, or don’t go at all. But if you do venture out, prepare for battle—those deck chairs are claimed at sunrise.
4. Choose Your Excursions Wisely
Excursions sound great in theory—adventurous, exotic, a chance to get back on solid ground for a little while. But pick the wrong one, and you’ll find yourself packed onto a sweaty bus with 40 strangers, headed to a “historical site” that’s really just a gift shop with a plaque. So here’s how to land a good experience:
Do your research: Look into the details of each excursion. Scour reviews, watch out for hidden expenses, and read the fine print. If it says “great for all ages” expect a slow-moving parade of sunburned retirees.
Don’t follow the masses: Pick activities that genuinely interest you despite their popularity. Swimming with stingrays may come highly recommended, but if you’re not into touching a slimy, flapping sea pancake, steer clear of the aquatic petting zoo.
Manage your time. Excursions are notorious for running at their own pace—either way too rushed or dragging on forever. One might barely allow 15 minutes at the main attraction, while another could leave you stranded in the jungle with nothing but a granola bar and regret. Check the itinerary carefully so you don’t end up sprinting back to the ship like a contestant on “The Amazing Race”.
When in doubt, find a beach, grab a drink, and enjoy the fact that you’re off the ship for a while.
5. Embrace the Cheesiness
You can fight it all you want, but at some point, you will be subjected to cruise entertainment. It might be an over-the-top Broadway-style show, a “name-that-tune” game hosted by someone way too excited about ABBA songs, or a poolside “sexy legs” contest.
Rather than resisting, lean in.
Check out the comedy show. The headliner is probably straight out of Branson, Missouri, and cornier than the state of Iowa, but right now they’re there at your ship’s theater, hamming it up for your amusement. The punchlines are predictable, but you might find yourself laughing anyway.
Try the zipline or rock-climbing wall. Whether you find these to be over-the-top physical challenges or ridiculously safe and easy, at least you’ll be raising your cruise experience to a new level.
Play bingo or join the trivia team. You have a better chance at winning something than at the ship’s casino.
Sing karaoke. Trust me, everyone else is just as bad.
You’re already on board this silly adventure, might as well get on board. The sooner you accept that everything is a little bit absurd, the sooner you’ll start having fun.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not That Bad, Really
Look, unless you can afford a private yacht, a cruise is never going to be a peaceful, highbrow vacation. It’s a buoyant buffet with a side of forced fun. But by charting a careful path through these turbulent seas, even the most stubborn landlubber might find themselves embracing their inner sea dog—begrudgingly, of course.
